a smile to remember

we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, ‘be happy Henry!’
and she was right: it’s better to be happy if you
can
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn’t
understand what was attacking him from within. 

my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: ‘Henry, smile!
why don’t you ever smile?’ 

and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw 

one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
smiled 

-charles bukowski

always missing the point

the waves are crashing in

im breathing you in again

the salt on my lips

is nothing

the sky is falling down

while looking at the ground

we are as safe as this sound

of nothing

looking for a sign

kissing you goodbye

while everything you say

means nothing

will we ever get along?

no matter how old you are, when you get into an argument with your mother…you feel like you’re 13 all over again… no matter how I try to handle the situation I’m wrong anyway..

so long youth, hello 21

your eyes

intimidate

strong

hazy

judging

lost

see the fucking floor

my eyes

“Sometimes I think people don’t understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don’t matter” - Eterenal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I don’t think anyone understands anything

I feel like everyone is looking out for themselves and we are all so fucking selfish

but there’s beauty in the world, we just need to step outside of our ego’s to find it

how I wish I didn’t write this